Heart-led Womanhood: Choosing Freedom

Just because you have a right doesn’t mean its right for you.

I know it might seem cliché to start a sentence with "lately, I’ve been thinking," but it’s the only fitting start that I can muster, so here I go. Lately, I have been thinking (most definitely too much) about what it means to be a mother and a woman in today's world. I've been reflecting on my own feelings about my current circumstances and those of other women I know and love. I'm aware that I’m not alone in this introspection.

With the expansion of women’s rights in the Western world, we are now faced with the reality of assuming multiple identities in a paradigm largely constructed by men. While some of us have greater rights than we did in the 19th and 20th centuries, I wonder if we actually feel the freedom that should come with this greater equality. I am certainly not squandering or downplaying the women’s rights movement, and all the momentum we have gained due to the efforts of many badass and courageous women, such as Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Emmeline Pankhurst, and more recently Gloria Steinem. I think rights are instrumental in creating equal conditions and fairness. The concept of freedom has surfaced for me lately. Freedom entails the power or right to act, speak, or think as one desires. Both rights and freedoms are necessary to live a harmonious life, yet I’ve discovered recently that freedom is a powerful place to be.

Having separated from my partner and the father of my son a year ago, I find myself at one of the most confronting experiences of my life. I am now primarily a solo mum. The phrase and its association feel unfamiliar, even somewhat out of place. While I have many people in my life who love and support me (for which I’m incredibly grateful), parenting as a single parent living separately is vastly different from parenting whilst cohabiting as a couple. The association feels unfamiliar because I am aware that many women are also effectively solo mothers while living with a spouse. I’m also aware that there are solo mothers who are completely on their own, and doing it all 24/7 with little to no support. To those women, I send you so much love.

I’ve discovered like women solo mums come with many different circumstances and challenges, there are many different intersections of that shared titled. That is why it feels so out of place to me.

As my son and I gradually move closer to my family, I am feeling the discomfort of this transition and the change it brings for us all. Although I have longed for this change, like any transition, it comes with its own set of hurdles. I have much to express about those hurdles, yet articulating the feelings that come with it is just as challenging as experiencing them.

Often, my thoughts and emotions are met with great polarities and contradictions. For instance, my son's father, now a dear friend and coparent, offered to have our son for a weekend to give me a "break," but I feared this would literally "break" me. I don’t want to be apart from him; he brings with him immense joy, and as I work full-time I really cherish the limited time we have together. Yet, my body yearns to naturally wake up on its own accord one weekend morning, not before 6am, and without the sound of a toddler calling out "mumma, mumma." My soul, however, desires nothing more than that experience. I waited years for such a pleasure, but I also find myself terribly exhausted at times.

What's the solution? Should I simply shift my perspective and accept exhaustion as a temporary phase of my life, or should I allow my two-year-old to spend a few days with his father once a fortnight?

Interestingly, while his father has enjoyed a few long weekends to himself as we trial our new living arrangement, he is rested and rejuvenated; in return, he is more patient and grounded with our son. Meanwhile, I find myself tired and irritable from the sheer weight of it all. My son isn’t receiving the best of me, and I'm not giving my best self either. We both deserve better. But is the only solution for him and me to be physically apart?

I’ve discovered that it is. This is the reality that comes with the choice we made to separate. It's one of the toughest decisions I've faced. Like many choices in my life, this decision was made with great deliberation, consideration, and intention, but above all, it was fuelled by love and guided by my heart. Therefore, the only sensible resolution to address my exhaustion, a sentiment shared by many women in my circle, not solely mothers, is to return to love and follow the wisdom of my heart. After a few weeks of intentional heart coherence practices, whereby I focused on generating a new perspective and calling in my hearts wisdom, the result was for me to prioritise my physical need for sleep and rest above, while also fulfilling my son and his papa’s needs to bond with one another. Though the prospect of being apart from my beautiful boy for a few nights every so often evokes sorrow, it will afford me the rest necessary to be a better mother and my son and his father to maintain a stronger relationship.

While it may be within my legal right to have full-time custody of my son until he is three years old, I have made the difficult choice to prioritise freedom over my rights. As a woman navigating today's world, with greater rights in a system that was created by and for white men, I strongly encourage you to base your decisions on your heart and tune into its wisdom. Trust that it will provide you with the most loving and freeing approach for you. Just because you have the “right” doesn’t always mean it's the right choice for you.

Love to you all,

Krista